I have to admit, it’s wonderful to be back in the states. I am enjoying noticing all the things I simply took for granted before living in India. Like how eccentric and outgoing Americans are. I realized this is what I was missing when I wrote about Indians not smiling. MIM has told me over and over it is simply a cultural difference. I believe him. Here, even as a complete stranger, Americans not only smile at you but they joke with you and strike up conversations with you. Granted, I did decide to return to one of the happiest, friendliest locations in the United States, but even the second I touched down in Dallas, TX, the customs man gave me a big smile and welcomed me home. In India, right before leaving, the customs man gave me a growl and a snarl. Sorry, but it’s true. Go ahead and chastise me over the comment. It happened. Wouldn’t it have been nice if he said, “I hope you enjoyed your stay in India, come back soon!” At least for tourism sake someone should teach them these nice gestures. Oh but, I get it – cultural difference. Personally, this striking cultural difference depresses me.

I’ve finally gotten around to reading all your comments after avoiding the computer for a few days and adjusting back to the states after a 24 hr plane travel. I can’t believe my personal experiences and rants caused so many ruffled feathers. So many people travel to India for a week or two, ride a few rickshaws, eat Indian food, stay in a hotel, and may come away with fond memories and say good things. Good for them. I came to India and attempted to be a resident. Firstly, I lived with an Indian family plus in-laws for a week. I home/apartment searched, then attempted to furnish the home, dealt with both private and government internet companies, roamed around IT tech parks, shopped for a scooter, went to local grocery stores and vegetable markets and roamed down the little side streets, ate at all kinds of Indian food at all types of places, rode in rickshaws, buses, motorcycles, and cars, traveled and went site-seeing, resided next to a Hindu temple, was able to see how both the poor and wealthy lived. I feel like I accomplished a lot in a month. Could I have done and seen more? Of course. But, my goal was to come and see MIM’s country and gain as much understanding as I could from it. I believe my goal was met to the best of MY ability. I never once said I HATED India, but I knew right away I didn’t need or want to live there. After a month, I felt it was time to get on with my life back in the states.

Because all of my experiences led me to have both good and bad things to say, many naysayers (and as it seems, mostly all Indian) have choice words for me. To many of these people, I ask you to first get out of India and see other parts of the world before trying to tell me how I should think and feel and write about India. Some of you have, others I can tell, have not. Also keep in mind, not every second of my travels or emotions were documented in this blog. It’s simply impossible. And only so much of a person can come through in their writings. Reasons for coming to India and ultimately leaving India are so diverse and personal I can’t expect everyone to understand and accept them. But, I do expect you as a human being not to act so mean and hateful to a person you have never met in your life. Let me be the first to say your attitudes and choice words are not doing any good for India’s image. And stop being so hypocritical: I can’t criticize your country but you can criticize mine? I can’t speak patriotically towards my country but you can towards yours?

Anyways, I am glad to be back home and India still lingers in my mind. I feel it has changed me in so many ways, all of them good. It has helped me grow as a person for sure and I honestly don’t look at everything the same as I did before. Tomorrow is Labor Day and my brother, sis-in-law, and niece are driving in to Boulder from Denver for brunch and a hike. I will give my niece the long awaited souvenir and post pics asap.

Ok guys, I am now off to see the movie Eat, Pray, Love with my best friend and if you don’t know, the main character (in the movie’s case Julia Roberts) goes to India.

We rode a city bus that dropped us near the mall and bee lined it to the store for my niece. I can’t wait to show you pictures of what I got for her, but my family quite possibly may be reading this, so you’ll have to wait until I give it to her. Even better, you’ll get to see it ON her! Ohhh I can’t wait!!!

After purchasing the item, I turned to my friend and said, “let’s have McDonalds”. At this statement he almost fell over, since he knows I am not one to crave fast food – in any country. But from being sick and still feeling a bit under the weather, I needed a big warm hug from my childhood – and that would be none other than Chicken McNuggets dipped in Barbecue sauce! I ordered the 9 piece too, the biggest order they have, and devoured it with fries gleefully. (My family back home is also fainting  – I am usually so anti fast food! They may now be wondering if this sickness has had more of a serious effect on me.)

A reader pointed out in a comment to try not to think of the length of time I was supposed to be in India. Instead, take it day by day and think of it more like a week vacation. Easier said then done true, but today, because I did know my trip was coming to an end, everything did seem brighter, happier, nicer, etc. It was back to the way I felt when I first arrived and everything was so new. So like the title says, leaving is bittersweet. When I knew I had months ahead of me, I didn’t know how I would handle it. Now that I know today’s it; my last bus ride, last rickshaw ride, last time looking out my lovely doors out onto the balcony, last time living in Bangalore, I’m feeling a tinge of sadness. I know India could have been SO much more. I was really looking forward to teaching the school children, and making new friends and memories and seeing more of India.

I know I have said there are personal reasons behind this decision to leave that I can’t quite express, but I will say this: If I was here with MIM I know this whole experience would have been so much different. I just couldn’t quite find happiness exploring his country without him. I wanted to be sharing it with him. So to all of you who are planning on coming to India, choose your travel partner wisely.

Goodbye India. We were happy, and then we were sad, but I haven’t given up on you yet. I know there’s more to you that I was unable to experience or appreciate but if it’s meant to be, I’ll be back again one day. Until then, catch ya on the travel channel!

Thanks to all my lovely readers who were always there to keep me strong and lend words of advice. Thanks for always understanding and accepting my ups and downs in this foreign country. I really appreciate it!

Ok, I better get finished packing now. Only a few more hours until my flight takes off. (It was really hard to type that last sentence without cringing). Can’t believe it’s OVER!

I am feeling a bit better today, although I still can’t get up and walk much. My friend came home last night after 10 long days which I was thankful for. He got me some soup as I requested but I wasn’t able to keep it down. You can imagine my desires to go home only escalated during this time.

So far today I was able to eat and keep down oatmeal but I’m still lying in bed as I type as anything else takes too much energy. I was horrified while typing to a friend who I met through this site and who is also living in India, that a friend of her family’s passed away yesterday in Mumbai from some kind of virus. She had a two year old daughter. It made me realize how possible it was for it to happen to me too.

So, after all of this, the decision has been made: I am going home. Very soon actually; I leave tomorrow. Of course I feel a tinge of sadness that India wasn’t a better experience for me, but with my friend leaving me alone for so long (we already decided this was not a good move on his part) and then getting sick, I just couldn’t stay strong. There are other, more personal reasons of course which draw me home. All in all I’ve lived a month in India and while I’m sure I could have seen and experienced a ton more, I’m satisfied with a month. At least now when MIM talks about his home, I will understand completely.

Thanks to all of you for doing your best to lift my spirits and keep me going. If MIM and I ever marry, I’m sure I’ll be back to visit India again. But in no way, shape, or form will I ever try to live here again. Taking this leap of faith has taught me a lot about myself and I am thankful for that. Even though I’m leaving early, I’ve gotten a lot out of my stay. I will never forget the things I’ve seen or experienced here and they will stay with me forever. I have become more thankful for my life back home and more determined to enjoy every minute and every opportunity available to me. I feel saddened that India and other 3rd world countries can’t be on the same level as Westernized countries. Everyone deserves a good quality of living. I hope in time, things will change and everyone across the globe can live happy, healthy lives.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. India hasn’t been what I expected it to be. Most days I find myself unhappy and questioning why I stay here. One reason I keep pushing forward is pride; I planned to stay for a certain amount of time and I want to reach my goal. The other reason I stay is the fear of giving up and missing the opportunity to actually like India and get to know her better. Another reason is the opportunity I have to teach English. And another is not to ditch my friend and leave him on his own.

But – it gets harder every day to find my purpose here when I’m holed up in the house or inside the gates of the community. Sure, my friend will be coming back soon and I will get to venture out again, but that is where I experience most of my anxiety: out and about in the streets. I can’t say I’m actually looking forward to getting back to it. People stare, the streets are dirty, polluted and noisy, there’s so much hardship and sadness everywhere you look, no one smiles or says hello.

I used to live and work on a cruise ship which docked in Ensenada, Mexico twice a week. I had this idea that India would be somewhat like my experience in Mexico; I could get off the ship and walk into town absolutely alone, go to an internet cafe and drink a coffee as I caught up with everyone back home. I even ate by myself and went to the movie theatre on my own without ever feeling uncomfortable. I walked into stores and restaurants and the workers acknowledged you with a smile, a “hello, how are you” and “thank you”. I never ever felt the anxiety or as overwhelmed there as I feel being out and about here in India. Mexicans were very friendly and I found them to have a similar “American” attitude. Sure, there were still beggars and men that would gawk and whistle as I went by, it was heck crossing the roads at times, but still, there was a completely different feeling in the air.

Now, India’s hard. People are suffering around the clock. I get that. So how can I expect to go out into the streets and be greeted with smiles and happy faces? Everyone seems to be struggling here: even the middle class work exhausting hours just to get by with a minimal living. They fight to cross the roads, to get a seat on the bus – the entire day is a fight against a billion other people. So obviously I may be asking too much. Still, I simply fear I am not strong enough for India and its hardships.

I fear my anxiety will only get worse and my sadness will only get worse, because I cannot see at this moment what could turn it all around. Of course there are happy moments here and there as I’ve shared with you, but those moments are fleeting in the daily life of living in India.

I’m 28 years old. The one thing about getting older is you begin to realize and to accept who you are and what you’re capable of. You are better equipped to know what you like and dislike and can say “no” and mean it. The awkward teenage years have passed, you’ve almost cleared your tumultuous twenties, you’re on your way to being an adult and knowing what’s best for yourself. You know what makes you happy – you know what makes you sad – and you adjust when you need to. I can stick around in India and fight my intuit feelings, or I can learn what I have from the experience and myself, and move on knowing I did the best this 28 year old could do at this point in her life.

To those of you who read my blog and are Indian: I mean no disrespect. I know many foreigners who love India and do quite well here. I’m sure there’s beauty in things I have yet to and may never discover. And I feel those who were born here and have family and childhood memories will always hold a love for India in their hearts that I will never know, the same way I hold love for my home in America – which I miss greatly and have gained more respect for.

So the question remains: do I stay or do I go, and only I can answer it for myself. You’ll be the first to know when I come to a decision.

“Just give him Rs.100 when he’s finished,” she told me. ($2).

So the young man who was all smiles tilted his bamboo ladder onto my balcony and began his work. He performed so swiftly and effortlessly I swear he could do it just as well in his sleep. Then, not two minutes into it, it starts pouring down rain. He scuttles under my porch hoping to simply wait it out. I open the front door and ask if he would like to come in. “No mam,” he says with a smile.

The rain never completely stops but soon becomes lighter and I hear him at it again; wacking, trimming, pulling. And then all of the sudden, I hear him in my back yard, sweeping and hosing everything down. I had been meaning to get to the backyard myself – which was covered in fallen leaves and sticks since we’ve moved in – I never imagined this was also included in the Rs.100 fee.

When he finishes he rings my door bell and is bagging all the debris. “Finished madam,” he says. He’s drenched from head to toe. I reach for my money and hand him double – Rs.200. I simply couldn’t imagine giving him the equivalent of $2 for all his work – in the rain. Even $4 blows my mind. I have worked in landscaping and I have also spent days outside building trails. I know how backbreaking yard work can be.

After he left, I walked around the house admiring his work. I keep thinking how I could get used to this sort of thing, but also how I would probably go broke by overpaying everyone. I can’t help but compare the pay in American dollars and it’s simply pennies!

She has a gorgeous house, a driver available 24/7, maids, cooks, – you know, everything an impostor like me living in such a grand community doesn’t have. She ended up asking me if I’d like to go into town and get coffee with her today and I was very excited at the prospects of getting OUT again, making a new friend, and exploring new territories. So, we planned to have her driver pick me up at 10am.

I woke up early, got all dressed up in my skinny jeans and top, and when 10 came and went and she wasn’t here, I became really sad thinking she forgot about me and almost packed my bags and gave up on India! But, 10:30 pulls around and she arrives apologizing for her lateness. (I should have known better, it is India, and there is something called Indian time…)

To my surprise, she brought me to all these fancy boutiques that I didn’t know even existed and then to an uber-fancy mall – I mean UBER FANCY (click link for photos). There we ate at a lovely cafe with outdoor seating, had wonderful mochas with designs in the foam, (does it get any better than little leaves and hearts in your coffee foam?) ate gourmet sandwiches, (I saved half to enjoy it again later!) and split a crepe for desert. The entire meal was around Rs.700 ($15). She was a very open girl as am I, so our chatter never ended. For our first meeting, we talked as if we were long time friends. (Always a great sign!)

For my parents, who may not know what I'm talking about.

After lunch we roamed the stores where even a dress is Rs.80,000 ($1700), and she dared tried on Jimmy Choos! The pair she tried were $1200. I didn’t dare try to squeeze my feet into those things. I’d probably fall over or my wide American feet wouldn’t fit and I’d simply be a disgrace .

Throughout the entire day I thought, “I could really get used to this”. It definitely wasn’t the usual day of slogging through India on foot or rickshaws, getting lost, tired, and frustrated. Living this way daily, one would never even know they’re in India. It makes you rub your chin and go hmmm.

4pm rolled around and it was time for her daughter to go to dance class. On other days, her daughter takes horseback riding lessons. But I quickly learned the cost of such a glamorous lifestyle; her husband works most of the day and when he does make it home, is on his blackberry for much of the night, answering emails and calls, even through family dinners and all. I really felt for her when she expressed this to me. I don’t know if all the hearts in my coffee could ever fill the void of not having my husband around and available.

I see these families living so lavishly here and it now hits me, someone’s got to work to afford such a lifestyle. In this case it’s usually always the man, and the women juggle the children and their schools and activities and in their down time go by private car with driver and meet for fancy meals or shopping sprees. I think expat women with children who follow their husbands to India are brave for doing so but, I can totally see how you can get sucked in to this lavish lifestyle and forget where you are.

For me, I feel that I am in a good place: poor enough to experience sides of India the rich don’t, but dead center in a rich community where I can “pretend” to be one of them as often as I like, as long as someone invites me along to share in their day, whenever India gets to be too much.

9:30 arrives and she appears at my door disappointingly saying the class was canceled but I should come over to her place anyway and play Scrabble. (Did I mention she’s an older woman? ) So, all dressed up in my orange kurta, I walked across the street to her place and ended up staying 4 hours! We didn’t even get around to Scrabble. Her, her husband, and I just talked, drank tea, and later had a lunch that she prepared. She also sent me home with an avocado from her tree and made me aware that I even had my very own lemon tree in my yard! I honestly had no idea! doink!

All in all, it was such a refresher to get out, get social, and learn more about India from two Indian-born residents. (who, if I may add, have two children in intercultural marriages). They were so passionate about getting me to see as much as India as I could see. “You must go here!” “You must eat here!” They would say. I have so many new ideas swirling in my mind – like a place to eat SUSHI! And a bus tour to 500 yr old ruins!

So, a happy day so far. It’s amazing how just being social can brighten your day instantly. As a writer, I have to remind myself of this more often. I think many writers tend to naturally be more of the loner type. As for me, I have a mix of entertainer/loner in my blood so I’m a confusing jumble. At times I love being social and outgoing, but it can get tiring, and I like to retreat off on my own or with my dogs where not a word needs to be spoken! Ah, but after four whole days of the loner writer, I was happy to be the social butterfly today.

Now if only my friend would hurry home so I could go visit some of these places! Don’t ask me to do it alone – I’m simply not ready yet!

Watch the videos here and here and you will get a glimpse of what India’s been like at times for me.

P.S. No, it’s not another hating on India post! I never think my posts downright hates on India, I always try to write as honestly as I’m feeling. I’m taking India day by day which to any foreigner should be full of ups and downs. If it’s not, (as far as other India blogger’s go) then they’re lying to themselves and you. So please those of you (you know who you are) get off my back and calm down.