Hi! I'm MDG.
I am an American woman in love with an Indian man. I moved to Bangalore, India July 25th, 2010, and am happy to be sharing my experiences with you!
Please don't hesitate to comment or contact me directly. I love both! 
The Grass Grows Where You Water It
Most of us have heard the saying, “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side”. This can relate to many things: having more money may not necessarily be better than lacking money, the hunky husband of your coworker who sends flowers every week might be an abuser or cheater behind closed doors, someone who has your dream job might be hating every second of it, and on and on. As humans, we tend to always think the grass is greener somewhere else. We have trouble being happy the way we are, or in the positions we find ourselves in. We think, if I just had that job, or that car, or that house, or that husband, or lost weight, my life would be great. I would finally be happy.
I missed church this weekend due to working, and a friend of mine who went told me I missed a good one. Our pastor was talking about “Pure Relationships”. Luckily, the church puts all the sermons online as podcasts and I was able to steal a moment to listen to it. In it, our pastor was talking about “the grass is greener” belief and relating it to relationships. After he preached for a moment about it, he practically screamed, “PEOPLE, THE GRASS GROWS WHERE YOU WATER IT!”
This saying really struck me. Are you feeding your grass (relationships) enough to keep them green, or is it drying up, turning yellow, and dying before your eyes? A reader recently posted a comment expressing how lucky she thought I was to have such a perfect lover. I had to laugh a bit at this, because I don’t think we’re anything near perfect. In fact, it’s a daily struggle. Our relationship needs a lot of watering. Dating a non citizen, international student of another culture and religion isn’t easy. Add to that we’re both job searching and unable to marry and support ourselves together right now makes it even harder. Without daily watering (and maybe in our case adding a little Miracle Grow) we would have shriveled up and died a long time ago.
The blog really helps in this case for me. Every time I post, I feel like I’ve sprinkled a little water on us. Every time MIM sends me a sweet letter, poem or song, he’s done his part too. Think about the person you love right now. What are you doing to keep your grass green? Stop looking over the fence at your neighbor’s yard while your own gets ignored and abandoned. And really, no relationship is perfect. In the end they all take a lot of work and dedication. As the saying goes, nothing worth doing is ever easy!
Water the grass in your relationships and reap the benefits.
This is so true I love the title of the blog, this goes for anything if you don’t keep the grass green in you own home [lives] no one else will. About the job searching I know what you mean how hard it is to find job, I have one and I’m looking for new job because I CAN’T stand where I work it’s getting worse anyhow long story and blog about it. It’s not easy right now but keep with it you both will find something.
Wow! Do you remember, you and I talked about that phrase a few weeks ago! Funny, it’s come back up again, a sure sign. Thanks for the great post. All so very true!
Ah yes! I knew I was hearing it a lot lately – now you reminded me where!
Hey there! I read your site a good bit and this post made me think of a question you might be able to help me with. I have been in a relationship for 8 months with my boyfriend who is also from India. You may have talked about this somewhere else in your blog..but I wondered how you guys deal with having different religions? For me and my guy it hasn’t really been a problem, but as we start to consider a long term future together I have begun to think about it. I am christian and he was raised Hindu, but currently doesn’t really have much of a stance on religion. I am just wondering how you guys make it work?
Hi JGirl and welcome! I actually haven’t talked too much about our different religions yet here. I try not to get too into subjects that could cause a ruckus such as politics and religion seem to always do. That being said, both MIM and I are about the same when it comes to how often we practice our religion, which isn’t very often.
I grew up Catholic and attended CCD (Sunday school) each Sunday but went to the actual church only on big occasions like holidays. When I hit my teen years, a friend started bringing me to her Baptist church which has now become non-denominational and the church I frequent most often still. I have brought MIM to Christian services once so far, and we are planning to go again, as well as to my Catholic church. MIM performs his prayers every now and again, and I asked him once to show me how he does it.
We have discussed the future and children, and I am ok with our children knowing about all religions. They can go to both the mosque and Christian church. I understand this could cause some confusion, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it!
We both believe as people get older, they seem to become more religious and we don’t discount this happening to us as well. But we have promised each other we won’t become fanatics or let it come between our relationship.
Although I can’t say for sure what will happen in the future, I feel that I will never convert to Islam. Like how home is always home, I grew up in Christianity and can’t see myself believing in anything else. It wouldn’t come naturally.
So far, religion hasn’t caused any riffs in our relationship but, there’s no guarantee it never will, and every once in awhile it does play heavily on my mind.
Hope that helps! How do you feel about having two separate religions in your relationship?
This discussion couldn’t be more timely for me. Just last night, as we were in the final stretch of a very long walk, A told me his parents will be visiting for 3 months this summer, which caused a great deal of stress for me, which he couldn’t quite understand. Then he says “Well we have been dating for 7 months and its going quite well so I think we should start talking long term, like children and religion.” Then told me he wanted to raise his children in Islam. I am open but I want my children to also understand Christianity, I am not going to convert. I started crying because I imagined myself 10-15 years from now feeling isolated in my own family, it felt very out of control. We sat down and talked and decided we would think and write down the things we are not going to give up and see where we can compromise elsewhere, as frightening as it seems, I know that we need to seriously think long term to see how compatible we will be beyond just a romantic relationship and how we will be as partners and parents.
Aw Jubeee, I feel ya!! There are times I also freak out wondering if this is what I really want – the fear of isolation, not having a say in the matter, not understanding MIM’s language or culture or religion, being scared to go to India, (yes I’m scared!) It all makes me want to run for the hills. But, these fears don’t arise very often at all. And hey – he’s in my country, speaking my language, surrounded by my family, so maybe it’s him that should be scared!
I agree, you must discuss important things like religion before marriage and children come along. You don’t want your marriage to end over it. There are some books out there, (or a simple online search might find it too) that provide a good list of questions everyone should ask their companion before embarking on marriage.
Listen, there are no guarantees in life, even if you make promises up and down and write a list of dos and don’ts. I guess that’s why we’re always supposed to live in the moment and take one day at a time. A relationship shouldn’t end by what MAY happen in the future. But how do you feel about it right NOW?
I wish you the best! Glad we’re together on this one!
Hey MDG! Sorry for the late response. My Bf is actually in India visiting right now- which has made me do a lot of thinking without him here. ( too much time on my hands mb?) I am super confused on how to handle the religion thing. I know I want my children to know Christianity and while I am tolerant of other peoples beliefs, and have never given it a huge amount of thought. To each his own–but if I truly think about it, I fear I will be much less tolerant of my own children??? Does that make sense? I currently have a young child already from a previous marriage to think about also. To add more drama his mother was visiting when we had been dating about 4 months and she refused to meet me… due to the fact that I have a child and because I am a few years older. This of course broke my heart..even at 4 months.My BF says this does not matter to him, but like Jubeee I fear the future and what it might hold for us. MDG- I like what you said about a relationship not ending by what MAY happen in the future. That is very true still it is incredibly hard not to worry! There are so many differences-yet so much in common- and the differences are part of what make the relationship so special I suppose.
Hey JGirl! How long is your bf in India for? MIM was in India all last summer. It was tough – especially since our phone conversations had to be kept very short too due to the costs. His hard drive just crashed, and would you believe he lost all the pics and videos from his trip.
I understand what you’re saying about your kids. It’s easy for me to SAY they will experience both religions but I have no idea really how it will all work out. I think what helps is both MIM and I not being overly religious (at this point) so it’s not a subject that comes up that much at all.
Give his mother another chance. The culture is so different. It took a long time for MIM to tell his mom about me – but he still won’t talk about me to his dad. I get frustrated but also have to keep in mind I’m dealing with a very different culture and it’s just going to take some time. I’m sure your bf’s mom will come around when SHE’S sure it’s a forever thing. Remember what I said before, he’s in your country, and you may only have to deal with the in laws once a year or so. (except, I wonder what happens when we have a baby – I’ve heard of those 6 month visits! Good thing I absolutely adore his mom!)
Hey MDG- He was only in India for 20 days…I cannot even imagine a whole summer. That must have been really hard, but it looks like you guys made it through! He will be returning next Wed and I can’t wait. I have heard about the 6 month visits also lol. Scary. He has only told his mother and his brother about me. He says he will tell his father when the time is right. This is hard for me to digest, but if he tells him now he says his dad will def freak out and think the wedding is tomorrow. So for now I am trying to respect that he is from a different culture and that we have to make compromises. You are very lucky his mom already likes you! That takes a lot of stress off I am sure=)
Hi, ive been reaing your blog lately, and i think you must feel so in love to actually taking the risk and dealing with all these many issues you, and other people in similar ciscumstances. honestly up to now i think there must be some sense of security indian guys give , beacuse i wouldnt imagine being able to handle with all you have to. i wish you the best really! you look like such a nice couple!
Mary,
It’s true that my experience with MIM has been the best relationship I’ve ever had. While in the beginning I too thought it had something to do with him being Indian, I now realize it has way more to do with his family and how he was raised. There are “bad” Indian men as much as there are “bad” American men, or men all over the world. What is so different about MIM is his honesty, his simpleness, his strong morals, his dedication. I have never felt more loved in my life. But yes – it doesn’t come easy for us! We have to face a lot of outside struggles that keep me questioning the relationship but – we always seem to pull through.
Thank you for the compliment! I’m so happy you stop by and read the blog!
Really your blog its my new addiction. I have to say all the love you inspire, now is making me want one.lol.You are a very lucky woman.
But i think maybe it has to do with Indian men, now just for curiosity ive been reading other blogs like gori wife, gori girl, and the white indian house wife and they all seem to have this sene of safety and security in their relationships that its not easy to find. I do think Indian men beaucuse of their family values and how are raised tend to be more comitted.
Aw thanks Mary! I believe Indian Men are equipped with better morals and family values, but it’s still the luck of the draw whether you find a good one or not! Are you on the hunt for one now?
No. Im in a relationship (not with an indian) that its just so routinary and we are not even married, . I read your blogs and it seems you have so much communication that it makes me have a lot of doubts on my relationship. I started to read your blog beaucuse a friend of mine is in a relationship with an Indian, and even tough at the beginning i wasnt very sure it would work out, they are now unbelievably happy, shes my best friend and she told me to read these blogs. They are now talking on marriage and it seems i need to start saving to make it to the Indian wedding!
They went through so many problems and objections, but they had so much love for each other they were willing to make the impossible to stay together, i am amazed really. I try to understand how much love you can feel to actually leave it all behind (they are moving to India, shes from a rich family,she had a great job, she had everything osomeone could ever ask) but i cant.
Mary, lol! Sometimes I think we don’t have good communication! Whenever I feel like we need “to talk” MIM shuts down and gets pretty quiet. It’s just his way of dealing with things. But, we are very honest with each other, even when it may hurt.
Hey I’m jealous of your friend too! I wish I had a rich family and a great job – then MIM and I could finally MARRY! Dang.
On a more serious note, perhaps if you are feeling this way you and your boyfriend should take some time apart and you could meet an Indian online – or better yet through your friend’s fiance – and give it a go! Actually, if you do get to attend the wedding in India, you could meet some possible suitors there.
can you write a relationship advice column??? haha…for real though, do you have any advice on communication when there are disagreements or one of you is upset? We are fighting alot right now and the way we are fighting sucks! I usually get upset, then I get defensive, then he makes fun of me and like an hour later we can talk about it.
lol Jubeee! How can I give you any advice when that sounds very similar to the way MIM and I argue?! We never scream or say things to each other that we’ll regret later. Instead we both pout like little kids until one of us pokes the other or makes a goofy face and then everything is back to being fine! I’d say that’s a lot better then many of the alternatives out there.
What it sounds like is maybe your Indian man never thinks he is wrong? So you get upset and defensive and he’s all fun and games? We’ve been through that too, but sorry to say this – he usually is the one who’s right and I’m just overreacting! I’d say it’s a good thing your Indian man takes things lightly. As long as he can be serious when it’s really needed.
Thanks for the advice MDG! But i dont believe at all on the internet as a useful source for dating.
Our communication problems are more on the type of never agreeing on anything we decide to communicate.
I guess we both now the end is coming, just that none of us its willing to give the first step.:(
How do your parents deal with your Indian relationship? My friends parents were very hard on her at first. And they even wanted me to talk to her to not get involved with an Indian! last night we went for dinner and we were talking about how bad she feels about the fact his parents are “supporting her” but they arent completely happy, and whenever they get a chance they try to convince her not to marry him. how do your parents feel about your relationship?
My parents initially were not accepting of MIM. But 2.5 years later, they have come around.
It was very hard in the beginning. When does your friend plan on marrying and moving to India?
The wedding is on November in Bangalor, but they will de moving on January to Mumbai. Have you been to a Indian wedding? It sounds like a crazy thing.
I haven’t been to an Indian wedding yet, (would love to!) but from what MIM tells me depending on religion and area, they are all so different. If MIM and I were to get married in India, it would be a very simple Muslim wedding – which is fine by me, because I want our American wedding to be very simple too.
I have been in a long distance relationship with an Indian man for over two years, but right now I feel very down about our relationship. Let me first say that he is a wonderful man, very emotionally available, thoughtful, communicative, loving, sensitive, humble and 100% devoted to me and gives 200% effort to the relationship.
Now for the downsides. He is easily offended when he perceives that I am not giving him proper respect and honor. Often I offend him by saying something off-the-cuff that he does not think is respectful enough – something that any American would think nothing of.
He doesn’t expect me to be subservient, but he does want me to show him honor in ways I am not used to doing. For example, when we visit one another, if I serve him coffee, he wants me to put the mug in his hand, and not just set it on the table. Not a big deal of itself, but there are lots of things like that that come up, things I would never even think of doing that are so important to him. I try to remember, but I so often fail!
He sometimes micromanages me and I feel like he monopolizes my time (spending quality time is VERY important to him), and I get irritated because I need my space, and I need my autonomy!
He says I have an ego problem. I feel he is easily offended and too controlling. He also is very sensitive about sickness, and if he coughs and I don’t say something like, “Are you okay?” he gets offended. This can be tough because I’m not used to worrying about every little harmless health issue.
I really do try to say and do the right things, but often I just forget because we Americans aren’t used to treating each other with such propriety, respect, and humbleness. These are definitely good behaviors to learn, but I feel like I’m always getting in trouble for forgetting.
I am just wondering if any of you notice any of these things in your relationship, and how you deal with them.
LH – this all sounds very scary to me! MIM is nothing like that. I’m not sure I could handle it if he was. I have never had to change anything about myself to be with him. Are you sure this is something you can keep up in the long run? Are you worried it may even worsen after marriage?