Hi! I'm MDG.
I am an American woman in love with an Indian man. I moved to Bangalore, India July 25th, 2010, and am happy to be sharing my experiences with you!
Please don't hesitate to comment or contact me directly. I love both! 
It’s Not Always Rainbows and Roses
I struggled with the idea of sharing this with my readers, but this is a blog about Indian love– and love–even Indian, isn’t always perfect. There’s ultimately disagreements, arguments, and even big fights. I guess what I’m going through is all three. I’ll keep the details private, but My Indian Love and I are fighting right now. If you’re surprised to hear that well I’m just as surprised to write it. I waited 3 months for his return and I guess the newness and excitement has already worn off. Now we’re like an old married couple again.
Our life isn’t perfect. We’re both without careers at the moment, making minimal income between us, and a tad bit stressed out. I’m back home with the parents until I find a new job, and he is in an apartment with five other Indian guys. I love all of them like brothers, but this situation makes it hard to have the time we need together, alone.
I told My Indian Man the other day when we were having a conversation over money, that I always thought true love meant you’d love the person no matter what. Even if we had to live together in a card board box. He laughed very hard at this. “That is not the real world,” he said. “In the real world money matters.” And I hate to say it but he seems to be right. Our relationship is very strained because of money right now. Only because money is what we so dearly need to get on with our lives together.
I guess I decided to share this with my readers because I was always under the belief that real love never fights. When we have had arguments before, I would call my friends in disarray and say we must not be meant to be together. They would quickly put me in my place telling me all relationships go through hard times. It is normal. So, I am not embarrassed to share this information with you because I have come to understand it is normal, and it in no way defines our love for each other.
But, I believe to quit getting under each others skins that time apart is necessary right now, even though we just did 3 months apart. I get so upset when I think about this, but we both just need some space to cool off.
Well, that’s that. So if the blogging is slow, you know why.
Whenever I have a fight with my husband I feel we are the worst couple ever and it does get over and then I laugh at myself for thinking like that. The next I give a repeat performance!! My grandma used to say a married relationship is like a big spoon and a cooking pot, they are of no use without each other and when they come together they make a lot of noise.
I don’t want to get in the details of what you must be going through because every relationship is unique and has its unique challenges. But every relationship is similar in the sense that none of them is a walk in the park. Money is surely important and in fact nothing gets done without it!! I know you already know these things but I thought sometimes just listening someone else say them helps us. Hope both of you are ok!
I just stumbled upon your site. First nice salwar kameez…it looks very nice. Second, every couple fights and money, children and sex are the top things they fight about. If you think it is tough now, add some more masala to the mix…families, children, jobs, house work and you can have some real fireworks.
I must confess my husband and I rarely fight, I can count on one hand how many blow outs we have had but I can tell you that never walking away or having a “time out” has helped. We talk through it, explain how we each are feeling and make sure we never go to bed upset with each other. It has worked and I think has only made us stronger. I am blessed to have a very understanding husband and just want to encourage you too.
I am sorry to hear, after months of anticipation of your reunion, you are fighting. When my husband and I were having our long distance relationship, we fought often especially when we were together. Sometimes it was the extreme pressure of being apart and wanting things to be perfect when we had precious time together that was the boiling point in our relationship.
My husband is very gentle, but he is a little childish, having lived as the only son of a very doting mother and two equally doting sisters he is used to being right, always. I am much more independant than he and sometimes found him difficult to understand. If we argued he would always want me to ‘come to normal’ brushing important issues under the rug and leaving them unresolved.
Now we are married and together, the pressure to be ‘perfect’ has subsided, but we have a passionate love which can spill over into disagreements.
The way Indian men seem to deal with conflict is a little different to my experience with western men, but still the making up is fun!
If you need to talk further send me a message
R xx
hey its okie and as u said its normal and it will also get over soon !!
This is just a phase and all of us go thru it. as u said i agree with u and my husband made me realize this fact, that money is one of the most important factor in any relationship, and for a relationship to be smooth sailing lots of money is required
dont fret too much over it, its all gonna b fine
Oh wow R, you hit it right on the nose. I’ve always felt like MIM was a little immature when it came to relationships, I believe due to his upbringing and being spoiled in India, and the fact that this is his first relationship. And just like your man, when I confront the issues he wants to just forget about it or never take responsibility which makes it even worse. It’s so frustrating! I think as women, we really want to know our men understands us when we are upset. If they take no blame, or simply tell us to ‘come to normal’ that just deepens the issue.
Sarah, I agree with you about communicating with each other instead of taking time apart too. Communication and talking things out are an instant fix and I usually go that route. But I became too frustrated with his ‘always right’ attitude that I didn’t care to talk it out this time. Because once again, I would probably be the one apologizing as he still walked away thinking he did nothing wrong. This time I had to be more effective. I needed him to understand I was hurt and not going to continue to give in so easily. I’m happy to hear that you and your love rarely fight.
Sandhya, I LOVED your grandma’s saying. It’s nice to hear someone with much more wisdom in her years say that relationships are not always ‘rainbows and roses’! In fact, she is saying it is to be expected that it is not! And it was good to hear from you that I am not the only one that goes straight to thinking our relationship is doomed when we have an argument. I don’t know why we think this way??
I’m glad everyone shared with me their situations and advice, because it helps to see that I (we) are not alone. My Indian Man is wonderful in so many ways, and I never forget that even when we are fighting. The thing is, I always look to the future and wonder if the things that are causing us to fight don’t change within him whether I can do this for years upon years. Mostly the answer is no. I need to see him putting effort forth before I decide to continue.
I love the support I receive from this site. Getting to know all of you has been so nice. It’s a really comfortable feeling. I really hope I am able to continue on with the site.
Hi again MDG,
I was talking to my husband yesterday about you and your Indian love, and he said the following (I quote) ‘True love does argue but it never tries to hurt, it’s how the conflict is resolved that is the truest test of deep love’.
I have to agree with him, love and life is not all roses, but, it’s how you come out of the other side that’s the key. I hope you will soon be at the other side, stronger than ever.
R xx
Hello, dear.
My english isn’t good, I am brazilian and I never had english classes before, so I’m sorry for my bad english, but I found your blog and I really like it.
I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you and your indian love become fine and everything about money be solved. Me and my indian are not rich and we have not money, but we decides to live together even if we have not a big life with new car or big travels. You know, we think something like: we need to wait and do things step by step.
I would like to explain better what I want to say, but my english is not helping me… anyway, I am your reader now and I am prayer about your relationship.
Hugs and bye.
Oh! Thank you so much for your comment!
I am so happy and shy (because english, my terrible english) ahaha! But anyway, I think you can understand what I try to write, hehe.
About your question: I am going to live in Delhi – India in 36 days (I mean… I go at 1 October, can you understand?)! I am going to marry and live in his home at first week.
Maybe can be hard for you read with translation from portuguese to english, because I write in very peculiar style with regional expressions… and I don’t know how to explain better, but I hope you can understand little of I write in my blog.
I read all of your posts, okay? I am waiting more, of course!
And If you need something that I can do (or my husband) just ask us, right? Anything!
Kisses from Brazil,
Jarid.
My goodness girl I feel for you!
I came to check on how things were going now that he is back and so sad to hear this but it’s true. If you can make it through this you will come out better strong and more in love! This is the time that you really get to see if you are still meant to be together.
I am back on the Norwegian Jade and busier than busy so I still haven’t set up my blog all the way but soon and then finally you can see the pictures of my indian meal.
Take care and I will be keeping you and your MIM in my prayers
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough patch. If it’s any consolation, my husband and I have the biggest fights over money (or lack of it) too. It’s the major problem in our relationship. He is another one of these “immature” Indian guys who isn’t particularly responsible when it comes to money, and has never managed his money well. He was pampered by his mother, and is full of love and happiness, but isn’t so good with day to day affairs. He had a well enough paying job when I met him, but now he’s working in the start up phase of a new branch of the family business, and doesn’t earn much money at all. I find I’m having to take so much responsibility for our finances, and the fact that India isn’t even my country stresses me out even more. So, I often pick fights with him over money. It’s really difficult. I hope that your bad phase passes soon. Hugs.
I know you are now in a much happier stage in your relationship and that this post is outdated.
I live in the south. And it seems that girls my age (college) will not settle for a guy who doesn’t have much money. One white girl was making unnecessary conservations with me and seemed to be more than enjoying my replies: with smiles and laughter for my jokes. She even indirectly posted on Facebook that she loved me. After a while she knew I didn’t work (most Indian guys, undergrads, don’t work) and she was not interested. I have met an older guy whose wife left him and the children for a guy with more money. I would like to think these are very rare cases. But there are many studies demonstrating that when women go outside their race for dating, they generally look for financial security in the male first.
Happy your relationship is truly different from the typical ones. And may be I can move to New York or other places for graduate school and meet all kinds of American women before making generalizations!
Hi Adithya! I appreciate you writing. What you have said is very true in many cases- sadly. As I reply to this letter, I am sitting on a piece of carpeting in what was once the dining room with shower curtains as doors for privacy. My Indian Man’s lives with 5 other Indian guys so every inch of the apartment is used…we got the dining room! So quickly let me respond to your very first line by saying that while we have made it through the fight, things are STILL hard!! But as I write this I am so excited to say just yesterday MIM moved across the street and finally we have a room of our own! I’m going to write a post about it soon.
Not having money is very hard, but I have too big of a heart to love only if there is money involved. I wish I could tell you your theory is wrong, but I’ve heard plenty of situations as well where the money ran out and so did the girl! But keep in mind, I’ve also heard stories of the woman running out (and taking half the money!) even when the money was overflowing. So all you need to find is a girl who loves you for YOU, for better and for WORSE. If MIM and I make it through this we will know we loved each other truly and unconditionally. Not just because he or I were rich or had a nice car, or a big house etc. etc. And that will be the best feeling one could have!
Sometimes when my MIM gets really down about the money situation, he tells me I’m free to go, that he understands the situation and will not hold anything against me if I decided to leave for greener pastures. But what kind of person would I be if I did this? How could I live with myself knowing I left him based on what he had or didn’t have? I think karma would be close on my heels for the rest of my life. And hey, I don’t have anything to offer him either but my love, so who am I to judge? These are some of the things that go through my mind when times get tough.
We both have degrees (him a MSC) so I’m sure one day we’ll be fine. We just have to get through this tough period and if and when we do, we’ll be so much stronger for it. I wish you all the best in finding true love, a woman who doesn’t look at your wallet to see if she is willing to love you or not. I can feel your pain, so stay strong!!
Sometimes when my MIM gets really down about the money situation, he tells me I’m free to go, that he understands the situation and will not hold anything against me if I decided to leave for greener pastures. But what kind of person would I be if I did this?
MDG,
I love your blog.
As an IM married to a white American woman for the past 5 years (hot diggity, it’s been that long…whew!), I can say with some degree of confidence that this too shall pass. I know it is tough in this economy, but you’ll find it a lot easier once your MIM comes out of the grad school phase and starts getting a real paycheck.
In defense of IMs: most Indian men are mommy’s boys but not all are childish or immature. There is nothing immature in R’s hubby’s plea to “come to normal”. Most bad decisions are made during heated moments and regretted later. It is always more productive to resolve conflicts at room temperature.
Having said that, like all married couples, we too have heated pow wows that don’t necessarily end in kumbaya moments. It is interesting that in our relationship, I’m the one running for cover as, by nature, I try to avoid conflicts at all costs and she’s the one with the mercurial temper. But I love her and she loves me and that’s the bottom line. BTW, we are blessed with an incredibly beautiful 3 year old daughter. Take it from me, being a dad makes you see things in a different light. Makes me even less inclined to waste time fighting. And I think it has changed her for the better as well
Money comes and money goes. Life is beautiful. Live it up!
Aw thanks Arvind! You are using sayings that surprise me such as hot diggity, and whew and pow wows. It can also be interesting when I use an “American” idiom and then try to explain what I just said to MIM. It makes you think twice about certain sayings we have here and wonder upon how we came to have them! How long have you been in the US? You seem very well adjusted in every aspect! Speaking of idioms, here’s a site that might be fun to browse! http://www.idiomsite.com/
Thanks for the link MDG, that was interesting! My favorite ones came out of the great Yogi’s mouth. I mean Yogi Berra, of course. Stuff like: “It ain’t the heat; it’s the humility.”, “You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”, “If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.”…..and so many more
About your comment on “pow wows”: surely that’s Indian, isn’t it?
I mean, just not the 7-Eleven kind 
Oh c’mon now, don’t be offended – I kid the Indian 
I’ve been in this country – now MY country – for 10 years and then some. I became a citizen last month. Although an inter-continental transplant, this is where I feel at home. However, there’s a lot I cherish and hold dear to my heart about Indian culture. I don’t believe the two need to be mutually exclusive.
Going back to Americanisms, back in the day when a visiting cousin asked me “how’s it going?”, the first thought that came into my mind was “who or what was ‘it’ and where the heck was ‘it’ going and why in the world I was supposed to know that anyway?”. I wish I had these pearls of wisdom from Yogi Berra back then: “If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.”
haha loved the Yogi quotes and the pow-wow joke. Good ones! 10 years here and just became a citizen! wow! Well congratulations! How does it feel?
Just the other day I mistakenly said “what’s up?” to a few middle eastern students. They all nervously laughed at me. oops! I thought by now they would have heard that one!
Glad you liked the quotes. Becoming a citizen is a slow process. I consider myself lucky that it only took 10 years. The way it works is: 1) Apply for a Green Card – that can take 5 years or more if you are being sponsored by your employer as was my case 2) Live a crime-free life (must say that was tough) for 5 years after the Green Card (3 years if you’re married to a citizen…but I applied after 5 years anyway) before applying for citizenship.
Are you certain that none of those middle easterners looked upward when you said “what’s up?” ?
Hope you had a great Thanksgiving. I know I did. Horked up enough food to feed an entire zip code.
Hi…and again sorry for my english, i already told in another comment, i am brazilian and my indian is teaching english…Some times we fought too, but always he tries understand me, we dont like to be sad with each other…but we never meet, we talk 4 or 5 hrs dialy and some times talking by phone! So i know…in future we too will be angry or hurt some times,bt more important is to try to love and see your love with their eyes…and always…always to want the other feeling well.
I want love him forever and you too will to love your indian forever..you will see…be happy…everythings will be fine..i love your blog!
Yes, fights and arguments seem unavoidable. I hate them though! I agree that the best mind set to have is to always want to see your other half happy.