Hi! I'm MDG.
I am an American woman in love with an Indian man. I moved to Bangalore, India July 25th, 2010, and am happy to be sharing my experiences with you!
Please don't hesitate to comment or contact me directly. I love both! 
Are You His “Holiday in Goa?” – How to know if he’s taking the relationship as seriously as you are.
My Indian Man likes to tease me sometimes by saying I’m his “Holiday in Goa”. To this I just laugh and roll my eyes. I know I’m not, so he can tease all he wants. Goa is a popular vacation spot located on the west coast of India. It attracts hundreds of thousands of both international and domestic tourists each year. I first heard of it and the concept of having a holiday in Goa in a movie I watched with my Indian Man titled Outsourced.
To have a holiday in Goa is to have a love affair before one enters their arranged marriage. If you’re not in a relationship with an Indian man or a man that is expected to have an arranged marriage, you may be wondering how this pertains to you.
My fellow women, it pertains to us all! You don’t want to be your man’s holiday in Goa, do you? You don’t want to be putting your heart and soul into a relationship in which he’s already seen the end beyond the horizon – do you? When I first met my Indian Man, we were exchanging a series of emails. I learned from these emails that he had a very traditional upbringing and that he was not against having an arranged marriage. So how can I be sure that when he teases me about being his holiday in Goa that it really is just that – a tease?
My answer for you is that my Indian Man has been extremely open and honest with me from the very beginning. He has created a net around our love filled with trust. Surprisingly there are no holes in this net. Not one single hole to let one bit of trust escape. You may be wondering how I can be so sure about his honesty. He’s proved it by example, examples that are continuous in their nature.
Trust is one of those things that when it is lost between a couple very rarely ever comes back again the same. I’m not suggesting if you caught your man in a lie that the relationship is doomed, but I am saying I bet you will never feel the same way as you did about him again. This is a sad moment in a relationship, the heart never recovers. And my heart breaks for those of you who are dealing with mistrust in your relationship on a daily basis. I have gone through this, I know many friends who have gone or are currently going through this, and I am here to tell you that you deserve better.
If you are more than just a holiday in Goa to your man, all the signs will be there. Below are my opinion of 10, but the list could go on and on.
- Speaking of lists, you will be first on his. ‘Nuff said. –But never take advantage of this.
- You won’t be something on the side, or a “booty call”. And every woman knows deep down when we are exactly this. Remember, a woman’s intuition is a true thing! Listen to it. Act upon it.
- Every one of his friends will know who you are and what you mean to him. And because they value their friendship with your man, you will be respected in their presence.
- He will value time spent with you and the memories you made. Perhaps you’ll start to notice his collection and safe keeping of items and remembrances that you two have done together.
- He’ll want to take pictures of you and him together. If he has facebook or another networking account, he’ll upload them for all to see. (Of course, in the beginning of our relationship, there were certain friends and family members My Indian Man felt he needed to wait and explain our relationship properly to.) I completely understood his reasoning for this.
- He will be open to talking about the future with you. In fact, he may be the first to bring up the conversation! My Indian Man never suffered convulsions at the mere mentioning of marriage and children. From the very beginning, we expressed our desires for both. So if you know your man wants these things, but hesitates to talk about it with you, you may be his holiday in Goa.
- He will listen to you. Even when you’re rambling. I am always amazed by how intently My Indian Man listens to me. We spent 7 months apart and during that entire period we had to maintain our relationship through the telephone. If there were other things he had rather been doing than talking to me about my day, he never showed it. He held on to every word and responded justly.
- He won’t be dating (or married to) anyone else. This one may seem silly, but you might be surprised how often us women will wait around for a man while he works on “ending” his relationship with another woman. If your man isn’t choosing you and only you, he doesn’t love you. You are his holiday in Goa.
- He’ll start to love the things you love. My Indian Man didn’t have a liking towards dogs when he first met me. In India, dogs are rascals. They can be unclean and dangerous. They annoy you with their constant barking. You have to chase them away with a stick or throw rocks at them to get them off your property. Well guess what? I have two dogs. My Indian Man was fearful of them at first. He was unaccustomed to petting them and feeding them and taking them for car rids. But now it is second nature to him. He loves them because I love them. He could have refused to have them anywhere near him. But, out of respect for me, he didn’t do this.
- He’ll do things for you. And not because he only wants to win back your heart after breaking it with a sledge hammer. I know plenty of women who have men that buy them expensive items, take them out to fancy dinners, show up at their door with flowers or a morning coffee and even take them on an all-expense paid vacations. All of this nonsense when what the woman really desires is his trust and commitment. When I say he will do things for you, I mean simple every day things. Kind gestures. Things that require no expense. Don’t be with your man because he does things for you. Be with your man because he’s there for you.
And may I throw in one last thing while it is on my mind? Your man will speak nicely to you. So many women, myself included, have been and are being verbally abused in relationships. A man who truly loves, respects, and cares for you and can imagine a future with you, will never use disgusting and hateful words directed at you. He will never fathom calling you such things behind your back, either.
If you feel that you could be your man’s holiday in Goa, there are two things you can do right now. You can continue to go on making excuses for your man and hurting yourself in the process, or you can see renewal beyond the horizon, and run for it…run as fast as you can!
This “Holiday in Goa” concept is interesting and I’ve seen plenty of such “holidays” happening, not just in Goa but other parts of India as well. There’s an added perspective to it in India when the fling involves an Indian guy and a white girl. These poor white girls often end up falling for the guys, who don’t take the relationship seriously at all. Some couples do end up getting married, but it’s because the Indian guy see the girl as a ticket out of India. It’s really quite sad. These girls just seem to be blind to it too. They need the checklist!!! It’s a really good checklist by the way.
I agree with you, Sharell. I guess all girls want to believe we are not being used for a ticket out of India (or the like) and so many will overlook all the warning signs. The checklist was made almost completely from experiences with My Indian Man and the way he has treated me which leads me to believe he’s not in it simply for citizenship. There were many people (or should I use ARE many people) around me that question whether MIM is in it for all the right reasons. It’s hard to know what to say to the naysayers to convince them. How do you prove someone’s love for you to others? I just don’t try anymore. Did you have some of the same responses from your friends and/or family?
I am interested in that you have seen first hand these things happening. Many of MIM’s Indian and Pakistani friends here do date white girls, but are planning to go through with the arranged marriages their family will ultimately have planned for them.
Even if part of the reason he is with you is because of the green card or whatever, that’s not the ONLY reason.
Also, over here people mary for “love” and “romance” and the “soul mate myth” and a few years later divorce.
Better to marry someone from a stable culture (family oriented) for practical reasons and let the love and excitement deepen over time rather than marry due to hormones and endorphins and then divorce when those chemicals stabalize. LOL.
hello. i dont know what to say with the list.. apparently, all the things (10 things) that you’ve mentioned were done to me – met the Indian family, etc. But unfortunately, after 4yrs and 3mos, my Indian ex bf and I broke up. All of a sudden, the family wants him to follow the Indian tradition of arranged marriage.
i wish you all the luck and i hope what happened to me will not happen to you guys.. 4 yrs is 4 yrs and it aint easy.
Wow Kristin! I am pretty much speechless after reading your comment. First, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You must have been/perhaps still be so heartbroken and feeling very betrayed. I would have been! This is definitely a fear that never leaves my mind. I’m sure just as I trust My Indian Man you trusted yours the same, and you never imagined such an ending to 4 yrs -after everything seemed to be going right. What usually gets me through times like these is to remind myself everything has its reason and purpose, and your true love is still out there. Thinking that way always carries me forward. What you experienced in those 4 years with your Indian Man will always be with you, but new love and adventure awaits! I think your Indian Man should feel ashamed, and possibly he is, but ultimately he chose the happiness of his family over his own. That’s too bad for him. I wish the best for you!
I was watching “Outsourced” yesterday (cut me some slack, its like 95 out, I am once again unemployed and my bf doesn’t have cable so I need to watch my netflix instant queue.)
They brought up holiday in goa, they indian female lead fell in love with the white american male but told him he was just her holiday in goa because she’s been engaged since she was 4, all i could think of was this article. and btw, Outsourced is not a bad movie, you might want to check it out.
Jubeee, that’s where I got the idea from! Read the first paragraph again
I thought it was a very well done movie.
This happened to me and it broke my heart. He persued me for months, and I was hesitant, then I finally caved and went on a date with him. He made me fall in love with him, all the while knowing he was having an arranged marraige. I told him from the get go that I had been heartbroken before and could not do it again. I asked him directly about how his family felt about marraige, he lied about it all. He went to visit his family in india and I found out from his friend that he was getting married. I work with him and the webcast of his wedding was sent to most of the indian people in the office. I had to sit by and watch in horror as it happened. He still says he loves me, and he can’t stand to see me talking to any other man, many other things, but it killed me. How could someone do that to someone else. I am a sweet, smart, beautiful girl, and I never thought this could happen to me. I feel like a fool! I am still so heartbroken and I have to see him every day at work! It does happen!
Thank you for sharing your story, Blondie. Yes, sadly it does happen in all kinds of relationships, not just between Indian and Americans. I have a best friend who was dating a white guy who literally was engaged the entire time and then married his fiance – all completely behind her back AND they worked together too!! It’s too bad this happened to you. I can only imagine your pain. But in time, your heart will be healed! What a horrible jerk. I’m so sorry. He must have caved into the pressures from home, or knew all along this was going to be how it ended and didn’t care about your feelings one bit. You were too good for him obviously!
I’m in a situation where I lost the trust in my Indian man kind of early in the relationship. He portrayed himself to be a man that made his own decisions about life and lived how he wanted to live. We had an amazing connection and feel very deep in love very quick. We lived together for a year, he had a job offer that would have moved him out of state and he asked me if I would go with him, which I said yes. Only a short time after this talk did I start to realize that his family had no clue about our relationship. It was such a secret that every time they came in town I would pack and move all my belongings out of the house until they were gone. When they would come for a visit it would obviously make me sad because I felt that maybe I wasn’t good enough for them to meet. So it would start a conversation about where we really stood with his family. Every time these talks would happen I’d hear more reasons why it just wasn’t possible for them to know. He would tell me things like they would disown him for dating someone against their wishes and how they will judge me for things that he does not. SO I would sympathetically understand and always go into hiding every time they came to visit (they live out of state) I was very much in love with this man and thought as long as we were happy and growing then it would eventually work itself out. Then I caught him in a bad situation when his family came for a visit and I ran into them, not only was his family here but his “best friend” who happens to be his ex was here as well. He neglected to tell me about her coming in town. His family is very close friends with his ex (funny thing is they all disliked her when he was dating her, then when they broke up they all like her. She lives in the same town with his family) so there I was, shocked to say the least, seeing her in town. I gracefully introduced myself as a friend of his and proceeded to have my heart shatter. He later had the nerve to get mad at me and say he didn’t have to tell me she was coming in town. He doesn’t owe me an explanation. I felt he did. When you share your life with someone and live together I think it should be very basic knowledge that you tell your partner exactly who is coming to visit. What iced the cake even more was the fact that 2 times he told me his “friend” knew about our relationship but would never tell his family out of respect of him. Because “she knows what would happen” I have sense learned this too was lie. She has no idea that we have been dating. This is just a few of the “communication breakdowns” we’ve shared. There have been a few worse then what I already told you about. I guess what I’m searching for in all of this mess is, I truly believe my BF is a god man, I think he is extremely conflicted with the American ways that he likes to live vs. the ways of his culture and his strict views of his parents. He respects them very much bit he realizes his parent and him have very different view on how he wants to live his life. He wants to make them happy, but it would mean giving up things that make him very happy. It’s a vicious cycle. I do believe that the things he has done to me were not intentional to hurt me; he has a serious issue with conflict and will avoid it like a cat with water. I do not excuse what he has done but I have time and time again taken the higher road and decided to see past his immaturity. He knows his actions were wrong but he doesn’t always say it in the humble of ways. Is there at all a possible chance that if he continues to stay in this relationship it is because he really does want to be here and he’s just waiting as he says he is to figure out what to do with his family. Or is he wanting his cake and eating it too? Without knowing him I know it would be hard to tell but would a Indian man (also a doctor) waste his time entertaining the idea of our possible future if he really knew it wasn’t a possibility? The carefree man I met is not the man I know today. He is in constant need of reassurance that he is in the best of light with everyone he knows. We work together; we spend 90% of all of our time together. Yet no one at work can “officially” know about us even though a majority does. None of his friends from out of town know about us, his family obviously doesn’t know about us. The only people who know about us is us and the few friends that we have here locally and my family. I’m very lost and feel very defeated. I’m not sure what to think or do about us…..I would love any advice you have.
Hi GSA and thank you for sharing your story. You may not like to hear what I have to say, but I wouldn’t bother with this relationship any longer. Relationships are supposed to make you feel good about yourself. I wouldn’t stick around in a relationship were I felt jealous or hurt or lied to. From how your boyfriend sounds and his fear towards his parents knowing, I could totally see him having an arranged marriage behind your back. Do you want to be around to experience that pain? Hold your head up high and get out. There’s someone out there that will love you so much he won’t want to keep it a secret from anybody.
MDG how long was it before MIM told his mother about you? I feel like I am in a similar circumstance to GSA right now. My bf’s family came to visit him from Pak last week and will be staying through mid-november. I had to take all of my possessions from his place because they can’t know I spend the night. Then last night I sort of pushed him to admit what his parents know about me. He said they knew he was going to meet me but only know I exist as “a friend” because they can’t comprehend what dating is.
I understand where you’re getting at jubeee. Yes, it took some time for MIM to tell his parents about me, but he also didn’t have me move in with him to another state away from my friends and family, and still expected to keep me a secret. Do tell, GSA, where in the world do you go when you have to take all your belongings and go into hiding? I never had this problem because MIM’s parents still live in India. On top of that, I never FULLY moved in with MIM. I think if a man is grown up enough to ask you to move in with him then he should be ready to tell his family what is going on. Seems like he DID just want to have his cake and eat it too – at your expense.
ON TOP of this, he brings his ex-girlfriend to their HOME! How many of you would stand for that? NOT I. He has an issue with conflict so he finds lying the best possible solution? RUN. Don’t know why I feel so strongly about this one. It just doesn’t sit well with me.
Yes, its true I never moved in with A, I had to collect my toiletries, a pair of flip flops and all my DVDs, I don’t think I would be able to leave where I live for my bf to hide our relationship…
MDG, Thank you for your response. I appreciate your honesty; you didn’t say anything that hasn’t already crossed my mind or come out of my family and friends mouth a time or two. To start with, my family lives in the same town as us. So I would just go stay with my parents. I never 100% moved in, he always wanted me there but I never paid portions of the rent. I bought all the groceries, cleaning supplies (because I was the one who did all the cleaning) and all the laundry. I understood how his culture doesn’t approve of living with someone before you’re married, so I really did understand why I needed to leave every time they came in town. Where I always took issue was why he would act as if I didn’t exist when they were here. If I could describe it, it was almost as if he was an adult when it’s just me and him but when his family was here he turns into this little boy scared of his mom and dad and basically does any and everything to gain their approval while in their presence. I am very close with my parents but I am not going to jump through 10 hoops to make them happy if it doesn’t make me happy at the same time. I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. My parent’s respect me for who I am, as for the things they don’t agree with, they leave those decisions up to me and support me wither way. I can’t expect his family to be like mine and with such an obvious difference in cultures I don’t expect them to be. What I was wondering is if this kind of relationship between Indian men and his family is a normal thing in the Indian culture? MDG, your BF obviously does not behave this way but is he “the normal” or is he a rarity in his culture? I can be very certain that my BF will never marry based on arrangements made by his family. I know him well enough to know that is something whe won’t cave into. But he doesn’t seem willing to stand up for what he does want either. I don’t like that I have been lied to as many times that I have been, I don’t like that I am such a secret in every aspect of his life. I get the feeling that he holds on to me while he is looking for that perfect girl. The one who s already done with school, which has “ologist” in her career title, a girl that doesn’t dare question him about anything. I’m not any of those. I’ve spoken up very respectfully anytime I don’t agree with his behavior, I don’t yell and curse at people, I would very kindly state my feelings about issues and EVERY time it always gets turned back on me. He makes me out to be the most jealous and controlling person you could ever imagine. Every issue always gets turned back on me and I always end up apologizing for offending him. Trust me I know how bad this sounds, just typing it I ask myself “Why am I with him if he does all these things?” I feel I am so turned around from what I use to know and who I used to be. I am a very confident and very trusting person. I don’t get jealous easily. If I’ve been lied to and my trust has been broken I act like any normal person would, at least I think I do. I wait to see if the pattern changes, if it doesn’t it leads me to think there is something still to worry about. For the most part every time I suspected something was going on I was right. This whole experience has left a very bad impression on what Indian men must be like in relationships. I don’t ever want to feel this way again, I have been left to feel like I must always prove myself to him & his family. If I act like my happy go lucky self and never say a word about anything that upsets me then we do great, when I say anything is when we always get turned upside down. Trust me; I’m on the road to ending this. I just keep hoping and praying that I will hear that this will turn around. I guess now I’m just being naive. It’s always been very confusing because he would talk about us doing things years from now together, he is extremely supportive of me when it comes to school. I just started back this semester and the first thing he did was buy me a new laptop to congratulate me. He talks about how amazing I will be in my career and how proud he is of me. He Talks about how I am the best surprise life ever gave him. So to sound even more pathetic, I really valued all those amazing moments. I truly believe him when he says those things. I’m obviously a very torn girl
Any more thoughts…?
Is MIM a rarity? Maybe. But genuine, honest, caring guys always are! It’s very simple and will be for you too in retrospect: this guy (although he has his good moments) is not making you feel good about yourself. He’s making you believe you’re jealous, controlling, obsessive, doesn’t value your concerns or opinions, undervalues you because you don’t have a certain degree, etc…
It doesn’t have much to do with whether this is normal in Indian culture. Yes, being afraid to tell your family you’re dating and want to choose a spouse for yourself always is. The big concern here is how this Indian is treating you!
My suggestion is to walk away with your head held high. I think he assumes he can toy with you and you will always come back for more. Show him you have respect for yourself and leave. I know it’s very very hard but trust me, this is not the way you should be feeling in a relationship. Imagine feeling light, free, happy, intelligent, and loved for the qualities you do have. That’s how you should feel!
It’s always been hard for me to walk away from bad relationships but after the way MIM treats me, I will never put up with them again! I hope the same for you. It seems this is the direction you are taking so stay strong – you can do it!
Meeting the parents doesn’t always mean that much.
You can be a ‘friend’, ‘colleague’, ‘college mate’ to them.
For girls with Indian guys, once the parents have met the girl, and approved something official should take place so the family can introduce the girl and not be embarrassed or questioned.
As in any relationship, trust should be earned not given freely. The two people should get to know one another completely and I think a girl knows if she will be with the man she is with for the long haul – mostly because he will show that is what he wants.
I am very fortunate, VJ’s family were never kept in the dark and are very educated and modern thinking.
If the girl is good, she is good. Religion, skin colour or social standing cannot change that.