Sigh
How did your family and friends react when they found out you were dating someone outside of your race/culture/religion? How about when you told them you were going to MARRY that person?
 Hi! I'm MDG.
I am an American woman in love with an Indian man. I moved to Bangalore, India July 25th, 2010, and am happy to be sharing my experiences with you!
Please don't hesitate to comment or contact me directly. I love both! |
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In my case, my family & friends didn’t say anything (other than “okay”) – but I think they’ve given up on me doing anything particularly by the book since I announced I was moving to Germany at age 17.
Why? Are you getting hassled?
It’s sad for me to say this but maybe three out of all of my girlfriends are cheering our relationship on. The others still hold onto their prejudices and irrational fears. Even sadder is the same goes for my family. When I brought up marriage very recently they were very upset. It’s a very lonely feeling when you feel like no one is simply happy for you; happy you found love, happy that YOU are happy. I feel that I am like you, for most of my life things have not been by the book. I thought that would make family/friends accepting this a bit easier, but seems not. How were you with the simple “okay”? I think as women we always want our friends and family to be thrilled –well at least HAPPY about it. It just makes me very sad that I can’t have the same reaction I probably would have gotten if my boyfriend was white/Christian/American. After two years of dating I thought by now those around me would be understanding. Seems they were just silently hoping I’d dump him and get on with things. Sorry for the rant. Touchy subject.
That’s really sad. I’m sorry to hear it. We had 100% support from all of my friends and family. The resistance we encountered was with my (now) husband’s family and friends. What I can tell you as a recently married woman is people’s reaction to your marriage plans have a lot more to do with them (their hopes, dreams, baggage, failures, etc) than it does with you and your relationship. It brings up a lot for people, including jealousy. Follow your own heart, it’s the best guide. It’s natural to want people to support you with joy. All the best!
Ah. Yes, I generally put less store in the opinions of my family than I think most people do. I mean, it’s great if they think I’m doing well, but it’s not a primary or even particularly important goal of mine. Just a different personality trait of mine, I guess.
I do prefer parental/family approval, though. So when my family was uncertain about my marriage to Aditya I sat them down, one by one, and we went through all their possible concerns, what was valid, what wasn’t valid, what specific cultural worries they had, etc, etc until I’d pretty much badgered them into accepting the match (and agreeing that it seemed like a good one).
As far as friends, well, almost all of my friends are his, and vice versa, so of course they were fine with us being a couple…
Do you feel like your family/friends have valid concerns about your relationship (or is it possibly just your current life path in general?), or is more that they’re just all “meh” about it?
Elizabeth, yes, it is sad! Hence the title, “sigh”! It’s really getting old you know? I agree with everything you said. I am driving myself crazy trying to make everyone around me happy and it’s coming down to I don’t give a -you know what- and I’ll do what I want! I just don’t want any anger or resentment in the family. I’m one of those people that like everyone to be happy and I wished, happy for me. Thanks for your kind words. There isn’t so much resistance from his family yet, but we’ll see what happens when marriage is proposed.
Gori Girl, that’s a very fine trait you have! And, you give a good idea as well. Talking things out is really the best way to work anything out. The power of language is amazing… What I haven’t done yet is bring us ALL together. It’s always me going into battle alone, because I don’t want to hurt MIM in the process of talking to my parents. And my friends give all of their ‘advice’ behind his back.
To respond to your very last para, I think perhaps what is getting everyone’s panties in a bunch is his religion. I wonder if he was a Hindu if things would be going more smoothly. The fact is after the 911 attacks and all the media uproar people formed their opinions on Muslims. Before that I can’t ever recall anyone around me freaking out over it. It’s amazing how many people in my life have asked me if MIM may force me out of this country and into a burka.
I know once we get married, have children, and make our life together things will settle down and be fine. But for now it continues to drive me crazy. I love my friends, but when they make such blatant racist comments I could smack ‘em in the face!
What can i do? i’m in the same thing… i have a boyfriend from Mumbai…i haven’t thought to get married with him, yet… but my parents disagree.. they say that is dangerous for me… because of his family and his culture, and much more about religion… they’re pushing me to break it up, but i love him, and it’s very hard to listen all the things people say about indians… please, give me some advice…
I just want to know what happen after you get married with an indian… what do they expect from you?
like american, we are used to be free… and somebody told me that if you marry with one indian, your freedom finished… is it true?
please…
give me some advice, the 3 of you
My family was very supportive of our dating and even marrying, but it’s not as smooth as I’d like even six years later and a lot of it has to do with him (and me) being Muslim. Luckily, they all like him on a personal level and he’s an undeniably fantastic husband and father, so I don’t usually have to deal with anything bad, but if it’s been a long time since they’ve been reminded how much they like him, we can sometimes start to feel some tension. Wish I knew how to fix that, but for the most part I have just tried not to let it bother me and continue living our life as an example that proves why our match is so great. Good luck!
Thanks for sharing GoriWife. I’m quite surprised to hear their support has loosened instead of gotten stronger with the passing years. Gives me something new to think about…I agree that it’s the religion that is the biggest hurdle. In our case I will not be converting. I like being ‘religion free’.
My family was very supportive of us, even though we met online, he lived in India and his family landed up having a fit about our relationship! They really have been our “rock“ and we are both thankful for that.
For us race was never a issue. I had dated an Indian guy before, so going brown was not new. Religion however is a big issue. My husband and I are the same religion, so life is easy the previous guy was not which was my families bone of contention.
Often people who are in love lack insight in to some things, or think they will work themselves out. Religion may not be an issue now, but if one if religious and you have children it does become an issue at some level.
Our biggest obstacle was his family and although he stood firm they would not agree to the marriage. We got married behind their backs, he immigrated and they didn`t find out till several months after. Family approval was important but we weren`t going to sacrafice what we knew was right for them. This is also were my parents support came in to play and was very positive. If your future spouse is not willing to stand up for you with his family though, the relationship is going to be hard going or break at some point.
All the best in working this through. I have been on both sides….family disapproving and family approval. The last was much easier
Hi Sarah! Thanks for sharing you story. MIM has stood up for me somewhat…what I mean by this is that most of his family is aware of me and his desires for the future – besides his dad. I think MIM is waiting to tackle that aspect. As far as religion issues, I do wonder sometimes what will happen down the road. I am not religious and really don’t desire my children to be, but MIM is more than welcome to bring them up Muslim, as long as they are aware they always have a choice. “so going brown is not new” – lol that made me laugh!
I think there are two things that might help you. Don’t suffer fools gladly, and give it time. I dated my Indian husband for almost six year before we got married. That gave people time to get over that a) this isn’t some flash in the pan “exotic romance” phase we’re going through and b) if they didn’t like it they can keep it to themselves because we don’t need their permission to be happy. My family was/is a lot more supportive of our relationship than his, mostly due to him not being that vocal about me for a long time when he was around them, which was rare. Good luck to you girl, it can be an uphill battle sometimes.
From an IM’s point of view, someone who is stubbornly irreligious (I have a particularly low opinion of those who wear it on their sleeves. Personally, I’d rather watch reruns of Larry King droning about his suspenders than listen to an agent of God), her lack of religiosity (she’s white, American and born into a family of non practicing Catholics) was in itself some sort of implicit reciprocation that I found drawn to.
I broke it to my mom over the phone first. She was not too surprised though. I think she suspected that I was up to “no good” since I kept brushing off conversations about marriage whenever she brought it up (which was like all the time). She was not explicitly supportive but she did not oppose or say a single disapproving word either. She was very curious asked me a lot of questions about her. My dad came to know about her much later. In fact, I had traveled to India (alone) and that was when he came to know about her. I was extremely surprised by his reaction though. He was genuinely happy for me and said he wished us well.
I was concerned about her dad since I had not met him yet. I knew that he was in the Military when he was young, collected quite a few guns and had little exposure to non-white people where he lived. I was convinced that one of those guns had my name engraved on it. We all met half-way near Phily and, as it turned out, not only did I come out alive, he was (still is) actually a very nice person to be around with. Ditto about her mom but then she never had guns. Long story short, we got married twice – once in New York where we had a civil ceremony (with her parents and close friends) and then once more in India with fanfare, noise and mumbo jumbo that comes with a Hindu wedding ceremony. Everyone and their grandmother from my side was there. That was 5 years and one cutie-pie daughter ago.
I guess we’ve been very fortunate indeed!
MDG
How did you break it to your parents? I am worried about telling my parents about MIM. I am Catholic and he is Muslim. For him it is no problem to marry a Christian and has always been very clear to his parents he only wants a love marriage, I think the rough news will be to my parents, which is upsetting because after being alone for so long I met someone who makes me happy and I am scared to share it.
I should clarify that we are only dating at this point but I am feeling very positive about the direction of the relationship.
Jubeee, there was no way not to tell my parents! I lived at home at the time we started dating. They knew from the very beginning. I still remember how upset I was when I wanted MIM to be included in our family Christmas party but my parents were having none of it. That was right when we met, so now things are different. For example, my mom just asked, “Is “MIM” coming over for Thanksgiving?” I am also Catholic (and he Muslim). How long have you two been dating? The same thing may happen with your family. It may just take time.
Hi Arvind! Your comment was very nice and funny too! Glad everything has gone pretty smoothly for the two of you. How did you two meet?
Thanks for writing Emily. I think you are right! As we know, “time heals all wounds”. Seems to be doing pretty well so far in my case. And I’ll just keep giving it more time…
match.com
No, that’s not a plug
She almost deleted my email by accident. She was done dealing with creepy people emailing her with inspiring stuff like: “hey, baby, the name is Sam. i’m big strong and hairy”…ugh.
It happened over the course of time over many emails and some phone calls. It was long-distance in the beginning. Eventually, she moved from Maryland to “Joisey”.
MDG we have only been dating for a month, so it is still too early to really tell, though we have been discussing our future. I also live with my parents but it the I am in my late 20s and the economy sucks so I just moved back kind of way, so they don’t ask me many questions. However, I told them I was going to Atlantic City this weekend with “a date” so I think I will have to tell them sooner rather than later.
Hi.
Well i am dating an indian last 5 months , only by internet and i am a brazilian. And i have 3 children, but i never married before. I live alone with my children in brazil and he lives in bangalore…. he is 24 old and i am 34 old…he is hindu…well i can to do my own choose, but he not…in last christmas his parents found my messages in his mobile…and his dad was very angry. But my boyfriend said, i love her and i want marry her….but his parents did not accept…well.. we have plans to marry after 3 years…so i hope until there they can accept me because we want to stay together forever. Our love give us strengh….but it was very sad. I hope they can see after some years that we really feel a true love. And sorry about my english…i am still learning.
poonam, no need to apologize for your English. I would not be able to write a full message in a 2nd language so I am not one to judge! You and your Indian love have a ways to go. 3 more years long distance will be very hard. I wish you both the best of luck. I can understand his parent’s being upset. It’s probably a shock that he is secretly dating at all but because you are older and have children, I’m sure it makes the situation even harder for them to accept. Still, enjoy these times and I hope 3 years pass swiftly for the both of you and you can be together.
Right now all I can think of is “sigh” as well.
My parents pretty much hate him. My dad is completely pissed off he’s not Christian and doesn’t believe Jesus is the son of God. Mom is worried I’m going to just up and move to Pakistan where I will suddenly jump into a burka and start producing Muslim children and end up in some book like “Not Without My Daughter” and it seems to be getting worse and not better. My brother takes every opportunity to make racists comments and slurs about everyone and everything that could possibly come out of the region. And I know all of this takes its toll on my man even though he always puts on a brave face. I know it has to hurt and it kills me it’s my family… Only my youngest brother seems ok with the idea, and he’s learning Urdu with me. But he’s 14 and hasn’t quite learned racism yet. Thank God.
Honestly, before this I would have said my parents were accepting of different people because I never saw them have a problem with anyone… ever. I haven’t told anyone else in my family. My three friends I have told are perfectly fine with the idea, and are supportive, if a bit apprehensive at first. I can understand that, we had an interesting start to the relationship with a few misunderstandings and, well, it was just strange. But after my friends realized he was a good person they were perfectly happy with him.
We haven’t told his parents. His siblings do know he is dating me, and when I talk to them they seem fine. I get to meet them in a month and I’m really excited! They are so nice on the phone! I am worried because his parents know I am his friend, but his mother’s first reaction was “Don’t even think about it, she’ll divorce you after five years!” and that kind of hurt.
I know he won’t get married without his parents approval, and I’m worried about that. And I’m sure his parents will want to meet my parents when they come (if they even approve) and with the way my family is acting I could just curl up and cry.
I want it all to work out so much…
I feel so embarrassed about my family…
*sigh*
Vi, my first suggestion to you is to calm down and be patient. Your family WILL come around I believe, just like mine did. LOL even my mom was reciting the movie “Not Without My Daughter” to me! In time, they will see how happy your boyfriend makes you and that will make them happy. They need time to digest what is going on and the new things they have to consider. I promise you it does get better!!
My mom pulled out the “not without my daughter” card last week with me because she doesn’t ever want me to travel to Pakistan. What’s up with that movie and moms????